So much of my experience of faith over the past 20 years has been about being invited into deeper streams of Christian practice, spirituality, and theology than the world I grew up in.
There were many good things about the world I grew up in. I was nurtured relatively well by the community that surrounded me. I was encouraged in my giftedness. I was given a voice and a place at the leadership table from a young age.
And yet, the world I grew up in has glaring limitations. Off the top of my head:
1) Spiritual formation in the deeper streams of Christian spirituality (historic, orthodox, etc.) is not normative. One has to really seek it out to find it. The para-church has taken on this task. The local Church has largely followed the consumer instincts of its parishioners, which is to say, spiritual formation is more an elective topic, rather than central to the Christian faith. As others have said before me, we have done a much better job of making converts, than making disciples.
2) Controversial topics such as sexuality, racism, whiteness, power, poverty, economics, and politics are largely avoided, save for the dominant way *we* are to think about such things. Outside of the academy, and more intellectual (often urban) church settings, these topics are largely either not discussed, or discussed in such a way where things are always black & white. There is a right way and a wrong way. If you want to stay in good favor within this community, here is the right way to think about these things, and the wrong way ALWAYS leads to pain, death, destruction, etc. This is a lazy - and at the end of the day, destructive - way to approach some of the more important issues of our time.
3) There is really a deficit of awareness around our biblical hermeneutics, or how we read/approach/study the bible. The deficit stems from the position that *we* can read the biblical text faithfully, as closely as God intended people to do so, and others simply cannot, as evidenced by their liberal, wacky, or strange interpretations. It's confirmation bias run amuck. I think paying attention to fruit, more than anything, will show us the activity of God within the wider Church. What kind of fruit is our hermeneutic bearing? Are we able to be honest about the strange fruit that has developed on the branches of our tradition?
Why do I bring all of these things up?
Well, to love something is to want to see it become the best that it can be. To love something, or someone is both to engage that something or someone exactly where they are, with full acceptance, and yet to maintain a subversive, defiant hope that something or someone can choose to grow and change in order to flourish at some point in the future.
I love the Church. I believe the Church is the Body of Christ. Because of this love, and this belief, I will continue to point out the deficits I see and experience in my corner of the Church.
What's fascinating, and tragic, to me is when I point out such deficits, there is a contingency of folks that are so deeply taken aback, or offended, that they write me off as the one who is broken, and in need of repentance.
Lord knows I get many things wrong. Lord knows I have a difficult time seeing my blinds spots. Lord knows that those closest to me see these blind spots more than I do, and have permission to challenge me on these blind spots at will. This is partially why I see a therapist, why I see a spiritual director, why I regularly put myself in positions where I am not the one in charge, not the one leading, and more the one who is there to learn.
And yet, I still believe my voice in the Church matters. Particularly, I believe my critique of the Church - namely, the church expression from which I've come (evangelical, conservative, rural), matters.
I see the imperfections of the Church. I see the warts, the abuse of power and the inability of folks to choose the narrow path of discipleship that leads to the deeper waters of Christian spirituality. And yet, I still have hope.
I'm with C.S. Lewis on this one, when he writes in The Last Battle that when we find our true home, the land which we have been searching for all of our lives, and often in ways we have not been aware of, that we will be drawn to press further up, and further in.
Further up, and further in.
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"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now…Come further up, come further in!"
–Jewel the Unicorn, The Last Battle
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This place that we call the Church, this people that is the Body of Christ, and bears witness to the Kingdom of God, here on earth, is a messy, broken, incomplete people. But somehow, mysteriously, we have the capacity to grow, to change, to repent, to restore, and to begin to embrace - bit by bit - the wholeness afforded to us because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
That's why I stay.
My work here is not yet done.
My repentance is not yet complete.
My transformation is still undergoing.
And even though some have counted me out, in order to listen no longer to my critiques, I will continue to invite the Church that I love into the deeper streams of the Christian faith.
We have not figured it all out.
We are far from home.
We need each other to make a way for ourselves.
We need repentance before we can experience renewal.
We need transformation, more than more information.
We need a fresh expression of God's Spirit in our lives, but first, we must submit ourselves to this Spirit, and all that She is inviting us into next.
It will be scary.
It will feel unfamiliar.
It will make us uneasy.
But often, God invites us into places that are not familiar.
God invites us into places that make our skin crawl.
God's Spirit invites us into places where we have to rely fully on the activity and invitation of God.
That is where our deepest transformation - and our deepest need to repent - often lies.
We were never meant to have it all figured out.
We were never meant to travel alone.
We have not been forgotten or forsaken.
We have a lot to learn in order to pay attention.
We are distracted by much.
But we are invited to press further up, and further in.
May it be so.